Thursday, September 08, 2005

Ikea: Land of adventure

Sorry I haven't updated anything in awhile... I've actually had to work at... welll.... at work. Another reason why I haven't is because I've been on holiday. My last trip took me up north to the wonderful land of Connecticut. On the way my car broke down which was unfortunate, but fortunately it broke down right next to an Ikea.

I'm assuming most of you (all three of you) have been to an Ikea and if you haven't then you should probably stop what you are doing and go immediately. If you have been living in a hole though, let me give a little background as to where this wonderful store came from:

It all started back in the forties with some Swedish dude named Ingvar Kamrad (pretty sweet name eh?) Anyway, he started selling matches to his friends when he was 17... buying them in bulk and selling them for a substantial profit. Apparantly, in the 40's 17 year old Swedes would do damn near anything for matches. Eventually, he transitioned into much larger pieces of wood and started selling furniture. Originally, it was going to be your typical furniture store, but then Ingvar realized he was a horrible craftsman. It is well documented that one day, while attempting to assemble his own "Billy" style bookcase he exclaimed "FUCK ALL! How in fuck's sake do you do this?!" He then decided that his buyers could assemble their own furniture. (As a side note for the flamers out there, it is also well documented that Ingvar had a brutal English accent.)

In fact, this is where the name of the store originated... and the story goes...

One day a happy Ingvar looked up at the big red barn that would be the first IKEA and disclaimed, "Well, the furniture is all shit, but maybe some Scottish mugger will buy it. What should we call it though?" His assistant who loved Ingvar very much said that the store was as lovely as "Ingvar Kamrad's English Accent." And the name stuck.

For my purposes, Ikea was not a furniture but a way to waste four hours while some dude fixed my Taurus. What follows is I'm sure a mediocre list of things you can do in Ikea to pass the time.

- Play old school Sega on the sweet video game system they set up in the little kids bedroom section. (I was lucky. They had Sonic and Knuckles loaded when I was there.)
- Join the weird couple who has posted up on the couch to watch "Singing in the Rain."
- Try to hack into the Ikea mainframe computing system. Hint: Try the password "meatballs"
The computer hacking game is a lot of fun... it will probably take the workers a good few hours to discover why their chestnut colored headboard is ringing up for $4.99 and meanwhile the cute and cuddly Ikea stuffed snake is a whopping $215.
- Poke fun at the men who take their special lady friends to Ikea for the "restaurant".
- Take all of the Ikea brand stuffed animals (there are many) and set them up in a play Ikea zoo.
- Kidnap someone.
- Pretend you are a dog and pee on everything that you would like to claim as yours.
- Learn Swedish and then only speak in Swedish there and get pissed off when the help has no idea what you are talking about.
- Do mushrooms.

Any combination of these things is a surefire way to waste 4 hours in your local friendly Ikea.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Who's cereal did I pee in?

So, I had a Craig's list date last night, and while it was fun I have decided that I am probably not supposed to see this girl ever again because the cosmos kept making it incredibly difficult. The first time we were supposed to be together, we both went to the same bar and could not locate each other. Weird, but I chalked it up to her just blowing me off and she did the same.

Eventually, we actually did get together for round two. I'm supposed to meet her outside of this Krispie Kreme shop and I'm thinking "Oh god... not a Krispie Kreme girl... " and then as I approach I see this short girl with brunette hair (the only description of her that I had) waiting for me... except this girl is... well... a Krispie Kreme girl. Putting my superficiality behind, I approach her. Turns out this is not my date. Score one for the home team.

Then I got assaulted by a homeless man for ten minutes. He actually threatened me for a quarter. Apparantly I was supposed to be afraid of "what I couldn't see" b/c he was a third degree blackbelt. My ass.

Luckily though, the girl didn't stand me up and double luckily she was cute and triple luckily we seemed to get along okay. Sooo... what could go wrong right? A freakin lot. That's what. We decide to go to get some mojitos at this cool cafe. We are talking, getting along, no awkward silences... pretty awesome. I learn that she went to all girls, Catholic schools for her entire life... sweet.

What happened next has probably happened to a lot of people, but damn does it suck to have happen in the middle of a date. My stomach started hurting... and not like a ... oh... my stomach hurts cause I ate too much... like... oh... I need to spend some quality time with the toilet gods for upwards of 20 minutes. However, I am of course not going to say anything about this development and therefore try to play it cool. For all intensive purposes I black out at this point and stop listening to anything she is saying... I'm just trying to make it through. Luckily, I pride myself as an actor and therefore I think I maintained some semblence of control. Until....

My tooth fell out. Correct. There I was sitting with gassy gut when a filling in one of my molars just magically ejects itself from my tooth. like... WHAT THE FUCK? Now not only am I writhing in gutwrenching pain, but everytime I open my mouth it feels like someone is sticking a needle deep into my jaw.

Regardless, I stay cool... at this point I'm sure I'm sweating up a storm and she must have thought I was a nervous wreck. In any event, I didn't say anything because what the hell can you say? So I casually finish my drink (which was painful) and suggested that we should leave. I think she may have been confused by my sudden urge to leave, but all i know is I had to get the fuck out of there before something else awful happened.

So end of story: Cute girl, bad luck, God hates me. Now the question is... do I tempt fate and call her again or do I take it as a sign that we should never be together?

Monday, August 15, 2005

My Home

I recently went home to Wyoming to attend my mom's wedding. While the wedding was great, there was a much cooler highlight to the trip:
The Mast.
The Mast is my local strip club where dreams come true. Let me explain. It is a small hole-in-the-wall place across from City Hall and next to the Payless Drug Store which has a drive through liquor department. You can hear the classic rock blaring from the sidewalk and can enter the club either through the official engraved wooden door or you can use the back entrance which is what the cool people do.
So what makes this place great? How great could a trashy strip club be in the middle of Southwest Wyoming? I've composed a brief list of reasons why it is sweet. Check it:

- No cover. Ever.

- A beer will set you back a paltry $2.

- If you go regularly (I regularly go about once every three months) you will get free drinks.

- The pool tables are right next to the stage. For those of you who frequent strip clubs you will know how cool this is because it gives you something to do so you aren't just being a perv.

- They put ice in the urinals. I still haven't figured out why they do this but it makes pissing a lot of fun.

- About 1 out of every 5 dancers looks decent naked. This saves you a lot of money because you can play pool while the meth addict strippers are "dancing" and then throw a few bucks at the hot one.

- If you are a half-way attractive, average male, that one hot girl will do amazing things with your one dollar as she is typically used to old depressed bastards or fat sloppy truckers. I recently had a girl lift my dollar off my nose with her erect nipple then she gave me the dollar back and let me place it wherever I pleased. I'm a gentlemen of course so I chose her vagina.

- The Mast is part of the official WY/CO/UT stripper circuit which means that every week they ship in 5 new girls although the 1 to 4 ratio of attractive girls always seems to hold.

- Finally, I'm fairly certain you could get the whole 9 yards treatment for 50 bones. I haven't tested this theory, but I think that yes.

So, if you are for some strange reason travelling through Wyoming on I-80, take exit 89 and find The Mast. It'll be well worth your time. Oh... and if you're religious don't worry, they're open on Sundays.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Cool Tech update

I recently discovered that we have the capabilities to do the following two things:
1) Invisibility
2) Create Fire from water

I think these are worth the time to delve into a little bit. So let's look shall we.

Invisibility: The japanese have recently created a freakin' invisibility cloak a la Harry Potter. It looks more like a really ugly rain pancho, but it makes you invisible. At first, I thought surely that is impossible and then I realized, after visiting the site explaining how they do it that I was actually right... it is impossible. Yes they made a cloak, but if you look at the site it sure as hell doesn't make you invisible. In every freakin' photo I can totally see the person wearing the cloak. This is poor marketing because it is really easy to advertise an invisibility cloak, just have the guy leave before you take the photo then explain how the cloak works. Don't tell me you are giving me an invisibility cloak and then give me this piece of crap. I would never buy this. Could you imagine how boring the Harry Potter series would be if he had this craptastic cloak instead of the one he has:

Excerpt from book six, all that's changed is the cloaks:

Harry, Ron, and Hermione meet downstairs just as planned at approximately 9:17, or just as the beetlebears begin to howl.
"I should really be studying," Hermione moans.
Harry quickly retorts, "Shut the hell up Hermione. You know you are played by Emma Watson right. You know how freakin' hot she is in the new movie right? Start saying sexy things for God's sake. And also, Ron... you look like a pot head in that photo."
"Huh?" asks Ron.
"Nevermind, now let's all get under my cloak and go see Hagrid."
They barely all fit under the cloak but manage. When stumbling through the hall, Professor Snape appears out of nowhere and they halt. However, Snape doesn't! He walks directly up to them.
"Seriously Harry, I've told you. That cloak doesn't make you anywhere close to invisible. I can see you."
"But my Daddy gave it to me."
"Your Dad was a nit."

That would be the end of the series because without the cloak Harry would never sneak out, never accomplish anything, and die. That being said, I guess it's a cool cloak if you are going for a predator type look.

2) Creating fire from water. I have no freaking idea how they do this. But apparantly you can buy a fireplace that is filled with water and somehow creates fire. I can't even begin to say much that is sarcastic or funny about this. I mean. It's just badass.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Update on robo-boobs

I went back to the bar that I was talking about in a previous post where there was a plastic girl in the bathroom who whispered sweet nothings in your ear while you urinated. I basically went back there because of said girl, but whatever.

In any event, some thoughtless soul had punched her in the boob, her left boob in fact which so happened to be the boob that contained her brain. So not only does she not talk anymore but she's really lopsided.

This is the show by the way... If you can't pick out the character I'm talking about... it's the human female with huge jiggling things.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Where I've been...

As some of you may have noticed, I've been away from this blog for a bit. I just went on vacation for a few days and it was lovely, but I'll get to that later. First, let me quickly respond to some comments that astute readers have made over the last few days during my absence:
1) I am not a "worthless cunt."
2) I rarely have "rape fantasies"
3) I do not "fist fuck" girls "en generale."

OK. Now that that is out of the way... on to my weekend which I must say was interesting. I went on an almost impulsive trip with a friend to the Hamptons last Saturday. He said we were going to a party and that it would be worth my while to go. Only after agreeing did he tell me it was a theme party. The theme: The Great Gatsby. This sounded too good to be true, but before I could get completely excited I had to hit up spark notes to figure out what the hell the book was about.

After some intense debate we decided to go as Tom and Daisy. I made a rather stunning Daisy and dressed the part in a nice flowing white dress with cute bonnet. I looked as aristocratic as ever. So on Saturday I met Tom, who wore a classic 20's suit, and we took off for West Egg in his Mercedes.

As we pulled up to the house in a large semi-circle walkway, I realized that when the host, whom I had not yet met, said theme party he meant THEME PARTY. First off, there was a large constructed billboard of what I took to be Dr. T.J. Eckleberg staring down upon us from up high. Obviously this host, who I found out was actually named Jay, was new to this money game and was looking for ways to flaunt his wealth. A huge billboard was the first thing that came to mind I suppose.

We walked into the gothic mansion to find a man greating us, a man in a wonderfully pink pastel suit who I had never met before. He accosted me, "Oh Daisy! So glad you could make it and good thing you brought Tom. Tom ole sport!" I thought about telling Jay that my actual name was Katie and this was, of course, not Tom, but I figured I would go along which his little game until the booze kicked in. I fluttered my eyes longingly at Jay and took on a bad 20's accent to tell him how grand the drive was from East Egg. Knowing that he was supposed to be in love with me, I thought I would flirt for a bit.

Right then a young man approached us who neither myself nor "Tom" knew, but Jay quickly filled in the gaps. "Daisy my sweet. I'm not sure that you have met Nick." I shook my head that I had not; "Nick" looked rather embarrassed. Jay continued, "Nick and Tom attended Yale together Daisy and I'm sure Nick could tell you many tales about the trouble they got into." After a strange moment of silence "Nick" smiled at me and said, "Hi. My name is Jack." I let out a sigh of relief that there were normal people here after all. "Katie" I responded. Before we could get too acquanted however Jay tried again to isolate me. "Nick. Tom. Old Sports. Why don't you two run along and get caught up. I would like to talk to Daisy about something most mysterious that happened to me right after we first met in Louisville!" I signaled that it was okay if they left as long as they hurried back and brought drinks. Jay then started to whisper and tried to convince me that Tom was cheating on me:

Jay: You know that Tom is seeing Myrtle in a apartment of filth in the city that symbolizes all that is bad with wealth and greed right?
Me: Umm... 'Tom' and I aren't really seeing each other.
Jay: Surely you jest! Daisy. I must say I have watched your green light shine from across the bay on many clear nights.
At this point he tried to siddle up to me.
Me: Dude. Seriously. You know it's 2005 right?
He looked shocked and then actually glared at me as if plotting some sort of revenge. After a few seconds:

Jay: Myrtle is right over there you know. I could arrange to have her alone in the driveway. You could run her over!

Luckily "Tom" and "Nick" came back so I was able to avoid responding to this comment. I met a number of girls throughout the night who told me that he had identified them also as "Daisy" and had similar conversations with them. In the end, I was able to avoid him for the rest of the party... and in a shocking twist on the book ending I ended up ditching both "Tom" and "Jay" for the unassuming, recently wealthy "Nick." My parents would no doubt be in shock by our being together, but what can I say... he was hot.

- Katie

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Album I've Almost Heard

This is the first in a series of posting where I will review things that I have basically heard/seen even though I may not have TOTALLY heard or seen them. On today's list:
The new Alanis Morissette album entitled "Jagged Little Pill Acoustic".

Now before all you Alanis loving hippies start flaming, let me assure you I love her as well. But I think we are all in agreement that this is getting ridiculous. Allow me to elaborate on why I can completely review this album without buying it, stealing it, or listening to it period: It already exists. Now I know you are all saying, "Duh Nick. Tell us something we don't know." Obviously, the original Jagged Little Pill was produced 10 years ago almost to this date and obviously there will be the same songs on the new album. But let's go deeper into the Alanis discography for a look at what goes on in the mind of a Morissette:

After producing her awesome 1995 album JLP, she does what some of the best artists of our time do when they have a decent album: They go unplugged. I think we are all in agreement that some great albums have been produced in the MTV unplugged arena: Nirvana and Clapton just to name two. And Alanis's wasn't bad... granted I haven't listened to it, but I'll say it wasn't bad. What I did notice is that of course her best songs from Jagged Little Pill are on her Unplugged Album: "Head over Feet", "Ironic", "You Oughta Know", etc...
Now for you readers who are bluthering idiots: Unplugged means acoustic. So our lovely Alanis has made an album, taken the best of that album and combined it with some other songs to make a decent acoustic album, then re-recorded those great hits off the original album in the exact same style.

So what's new Alanis? I'll tell you what's new. The crappy songs off Jagged Little Pill re-recorded in a crappy format. If they were good, then they would be on the Unplugged album. So she is effectively trying to peddle good songs which you've already heard and crappy remakes of crappy songs. Awesome. I, of course, say this as someone who actually liked Jagged Little Pill... but here is my quick summary of the new album: It's the worst of the best, only quieter.