Thursday, September 08, 2005

Ikea: Land of adventure

Sorry I haven't updated anything in awhile... I've actually had to work at... welll.... at work. Another reason why I haven't is because I've been on holiday. My last trip took me up north to the wonderful land of Connecticut. On the way my car broke down which was unfortunate, but fortunately it broke down right next to an Ikea.

I'm assuming most of you (all three of you) have been to an Ikea and if you haven't then you should probably stop what you are doing and go immediately. If you have been living in a hole though, let me give a little background as to where this wonderful store came from:

It all started back in the forties with some Swedish dude named Ingvar Kamrad (pretty sweet name eh?) Anyway, he started selling matches to his friends when he was 17... buying them in bulk and selling them for a substantial profit. Apparantly, in the 40's 17 year old Swedes would do damn near anything for matches. Eventually, he transitioned into much larger pieces of wood and started selling furniture. Originally, it was going to be your typical furniture store, but then Ingvar realized he was a horrible craftsman. It is well documented that one day, while attempting to assemble his own "Billy" style bookcase he exclaimed "FUCK ALL! How in fuck's sake do you do this?!" He then decided that his buyers could assemble their own furniture. (As a side note for the flamers out there, it is also well documented that Ingvar had a brutal English accent.)

In fact, this is where the name of the store originated... and the story goes...

One day a happy Ingvar looked up at the big red barn that would be the first IKEA and disclaimed, "Well, the furniture is all shit, but maybe some Scottish mugger will buy it. What should we call it though?" His assistant who loved Ingvar very much said that the store was as lovely as "Ingvar Kamrad's English Accent." And the name stuck.

For my purposes, Ikea was not a furniture but a way to waste four hours while some dude fixed my Taurus. What follows is I'm sure a mediocre list of things you can do in Ikea to pass the time.

- Play old school Sega on the sweet video game system they set up in the little kids bedroom section. (I was lucky. They had Sonic and Knuckles loaded when I was there.)
- Join the weird couple who has posted up on the couch to watch "Singing in the Rain."
- Try to hack into the Ikea mainframe computing system. Hint: Try the password "meatballs"
The computer hacking game is a lot of fun... it will probably take the workers a good few hours to discover why their chestnut colored headboard is ringing up for $4.99 and meanwhile the cute and cuddly Ikea stuffed snake is a whopping $215.
- Poke fun at the men who take their special lady friends to Ikea for the "restaurant".
- Take all of the Ikea brand stuffed animals (there are many) and set them up in a play Ikea zoo.
- Kidnap someone.
- Pretend you are a dog and pee on everything that you would like to claim as yours.
- Learn Swedish and then only speak in Swedish there and get pissed off when the help has no idea what you are talking about.
- Do mushrooms.

Any combination of these things is a surefire way to waste 4 hours in your local friendly Ikea.